Dawn of the Final Day
If only there was a way I could go back to the moment
I met Dante, to warn him how much this was going to suck. Every ounce of me
wanted to turn around and say how much it meant to me, how I wouldn’t have made
it through the summer without him, how different and strange my summer would
have been and that I can look back without anger or resentment. All the things
I felt the night before Grand Bend weekend and how much I wanted to pack and
leave the minute I told my brother I was coming out to Vancouver to live with
him.
I didn’t have any reason to stay other than school,
and even then I wanted to drop out and run away. The first decision to leave
was to run, I was suppose to pull a Lion King, escape from my past and start a
new life. But I wasn’t escaping anymore, I was moving on and getting stronger
in the process, becoming a person who people loved and didn’t want to see
leave.
Yet, in the midst of the commotion of the airport,
after checked in my bags and said good bye to my parents, I stood there, trying
hard not to break down in front of Dante and his friend Kole. Dante had a
strong face on, but Kole’s eye’s were a giveaway. When I turned around to give
Dante a hug, he immediately made his way to me, sliding his hands around me as
his head bend down to kiss my cheek. Why did this have to be sad? All I knew
was that he was bound to move on.
Dante had been a good catch and I didn’t think he’d
stick around this long. Even during our late night talks after sex, he always
made it seem like this still was just a fun little fling. Looking at him now,
sad and distant, I knew I somehow left tiny footsteps in his heart without
meaning too. I could count the times he made himself out to be a player, yet
the kind words he would say, full of genuine feeling and meaning. And that’s
what made him a good actor.
Now, as we held each other in the center of people
trying to make their flight, there was no acting, no hint that he didn’t care
about me, and that’s what made it a lot harder to leave. He sniffled and I
started to shake as this overwhelming emotion hit me when I realized what we
had was the closest to love I felt. After had been broken for so long and
treated like shit by my Ex, Dante was the thing I needed to give me hope again
that I did in fact deserve better, that I should have been treated and actually
loved.
This was the closure I needed. I didn’t need to see
my Ex, and say a last goodbye to him. Fuck him, he was no where close to
deserve my attention. Instead he got to continue his sad existence, not caring
about anyone else but himself. He got to use his friends to get ahead, be
lonely and drink beer all night wondering what the fuck he was going to do with
himself. He got to go downtown and be one of those sleaze balls you see, only
buying you a drink because you’re cute and he wants to get laid. Quiet the life
he got to live.
I was leaving footprints, because it didn’t matter
how much money I made, or the things I did this summer, it was what I was
leaving behind that made everything worth experiencing. I experienced a lot
with Dante, and Kole, and it was this moment of leaving them that I knew I was
leaving something with them. Even as I felt Dante’s tear fall onto my cheek, I
had to say one thing that was he was going to take to heart.
“Thanks for giving me the best summer,” I whisper
into his ear as we pull a little apart, but still hang onto on another.
“You’re going to do great out there,” he says, trying
to smile. I could hear the sadness break through his voice and a little piece
of my heart breaks too, not in the way it had back in December, but in a way
that the piece that broke was worth breaking because the person took it was
going to keep it forever and cherish it.
We kiss and kiss again more intensely. How I just
want to make out with him at that moment but instead I got up onto my tipy toes
so my lips are next to his ear.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” Dante says before realizing what I
just said. “Wait, did you just say that?”
“Yeah, because I really do.”
“I love you too, for a while now.”
That’s all I needed to hear, the confirmation that
all the times he did say it, he did mean it. I don’t know why he had rejected
my response whenever he said it to me. I began to just take his ‘I love yous’
as an automatic response with his good byes, like saying it to his mother and
his best friend. He was Italian after all, the most passionate lovers or at
least that’s what people say and from this summer’s occurrences, a true fact.
Dante saying that had made me a little stronger with
the goodbyes, or so I felt at that moment. Suddenly the atmosphere around us
dissolves and the look in his eyes makes me crazy, just like they always have
done. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but just couldn’t and it was
all my fault. I had guarded myself from the beginning because I didn’t want to
get hurt again. I didn’t want to give him all of me since the last person I had
done that with, threw it all away, spit me out like some bad taste in the back
of their throat. But not Dante.
The first few days we hungout after Grand Bend, he
had already shown me a lot of himself, without shame or regret, but with
confidence and strength. I remember, getting into his car and telling him, “No
falling in love now.” And he laughed and told me not to worry but I already
knew we were both doomed.
We had one job. One job and here we were, crying and
already missing one another. We failed ourselves yet still lived with no
regrets. And when we finally broke apart so I could say good bye to Kole, all I
wanted to do was be in his arms again, to hold him forever and say I love you a
million more times.
Kole spread his arms like a wing span and embraced
me. That’s all it took for the tears to finally burst from hiding and stream
down my face. These people I was losing were people I’d never be able to
replace. I couldn’t even stand that thought. All this time I thought, ‘oh, I’ll
miss my friends,’ and I was never really sad about it, since I knew they were
always going to be there. But now it was like, I’ll never be able to replace my
friends, even the new ones I made this summer and found myself closer than
ever. Kole was one of a kind and proved to place himself in the top standing
with all my other close friends. He proved that age didn’t matter in friendship
and that I could count on him as one of my best friends.
I wish I could relive the start of all this, slow it
down and watch our favourite parts, where we could’ve been more careful, or
maybe, a little more sincere. As I said good bye and gave Dante one last kiss
then watching him leave, all I could feel was sudden excitement. Yes, I was
upset at having to leave a wonderful person like Dante, to the leave behind my
friends, but that excitement dawned because I was intrigued to see what was
going to happen next. What would become of us?
And when I board the plane, sitting in the back and
wanting more than anything to listen to music and to sleep, I couldn’t help but
feel a stir inside me, unknown yet wonderful. When you leave somewhere
familiar, you’ll always have a safety net of security no matter your money or
living situation. When the plane turns and shuttles off, gaining speed and
trying to catch air for take off, I can picture the sky above that was about to
engulf us. It wasn’t until we were 40,000 ft in the sky, surround by clouds
that blinded me from seeing anything further, that it was symbol of my life at
that very moment. I really didn’t know what was lying ahead, when my whole life
I always had an idea of what was in store. So this excitement that had suddenly
spawned itself within my aching heart, was the fact that I didn’t know where I
was going to be a year from now, or how Dante was going to change if he did, or
what friends I’ll have when I come home to visit. It was exciting and new, and
I knew two things:
1) I
was broke as hell and had the drive to succeed to obtain my dream
2) I
was going to be okay
Knock on
wood just in case. Deeper into the clouds I go and when I make it out into
clear skies, I’ll know. Know what? At
that moment, I didn’t know, I had an idea. But I’ll just know when I get there
I guess.
